I'll admit, when I came back from Afghanistan, I was fucked.
7 months in a war-zone where everyday can be your last will do that to you. Sometimes you wake up and tell yourself, "the scene is boring me,these motherfuckers ain't hardcore, I'm gonna become a paratrooper in a reconnaissance platoon and take a trip to one of the deadliest places on the planet and kill random people".
Well that's exactly what I did. And let me tell you "video game generation kids" out there.......war is not fun. It is bullshit. It is deadly., stressful beyond belief, more tiring than you could ever know, you get no extra lives or power-ups, and you will see friends die, maimed, or become mentally ill.
All the hate, and anger, I was addicted too so much as to be putting myself in situations where someone would try to kill me, just so I could kill them first. But the hate, and anger was never quenched.
I was fortunate to be introduced to zazen (zen meditation) after being back , and learned SO much about myself,...or who I thought myself was.
I was willing to give it a try, and like everything I delved into, I was gonna go at it hard as fuck for a long time to be able to give a true analysis on whether it had any merit for change.
Astonishingly; it completely changed my thought patterns, and how I view this world, as well as a huge list of other positives. Some of them completely mind bending that I will not get into here.
Ironically; the only war, and most deadly one of all is the war inside your head.
You just have to have the tenacity to fight it.
All that time that has been wasted wallowing in self pity, suffering, and hatred. Just to inflict it upon someone else, only perpetuated suffering I did to myself...ALRIGHT.
I KNOW half a life spent I've been wasted, in smoke filled rooms blacking out in a basement.
Stillness, silence, and balance is key. Moments of contemplation, think of nothing , and just breathe.....and let it all be.
(*) I never felt this much alive. 30 years WAS DEAD INSIDE. Always wondering just why,...I know why,
I was holdin' on (X3) TO MY HATRED.
I never felt this much alive. 30 years WAS DEAD INSIDE. Always wondering why me? But i broke free (*).
I was holding on to an emotion that was killing me, and now I broke those chains finally to be set free. ALRIGHT.
All that time that has been wasted, wallowing in self pity, suffering, and hatred.
I KNOW half a life spent I've been wasted, in smoke filled rooms blacking out for what ?
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